Aevum: Help... ...PleH

Something… that is all I can feel. I have the feeling of being afraid of something, mixed the feeling of being totally lost. I tried to go for a walk up on my mountain to fill better, halfway up I lost interest. So, I thought maybe a trip to the pond, but as I walked closer to the pond it just didn't seem to call to me. I have no idea what I'm feeling. I'm giddery, longing for something, but knowing, a deep inside me knowing that I will never find it. It's like replaying the very last words a good friend or relative ever spoke to you. Knowing that you will NEVER see something again. Lost. Totally lost. Not a foggy lost, but completely off the path, with no way to find the way back, wanting to stop and ask for help, but not even knowing the words to say, feeling like you speak a completely different language that NO one understands. Here I sit, or walk, and not even my Yoga breathe techniques seem to help. Xanax may be my only hope, but before I self medicate myself I want to get a glimpse of what is causing this.



A logical recap:

None of my dreams, or anything I watched this morning should have pushed me into this feeling. It is completely separate from my thoughts and feeling; it hit me out of the blue. A worry that has no merit or anything. I even checked the Dot, the Weather, and the Solar Flares. Nothing… I try to trust my own body, and trust my feeling, but this, this feeling of completely being lost… I just… just don't understand anything… I don't feel like I can consintrate on anything other then this message I'm writing…. I hate these feeling bad things seem to follow… I mean HUGE bad things. Like 9.11.01 or people getting hurt or worse… I don't wish for these feeling to go away, I hope that their source is something silly and stupid something I can look back on a laugh at my silliness… Please pray this is the case.





Its waves of emotions I'm having, some literary hurt. It's a pain inside my soul, something like a heart ache, but more related to a head ache then heart break. That feeling of hopelessness, a feeling of Melon Collie, and a sharp blackness of the soul. It's the feeling that reminds you that you were born to die. Dieing inside… longing to live forever… everything is gray, and the daytime is always here… flashes of lights in my eyes, flashing to the back parts of the brain, unable to think at anything, but the udder nothingness and hopeless I feel…. Help help help is what I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but only in silence knowing no one will come… feeling my heart pound in my chest as I think about the very thought of everything…. Feeling the world gets smaller and began to crush me… feeling that pain in my back, and in my leg, seeing everything brighter, shaking… fearful, but not of the unknown, but something my body seems to understand without the knowledge of my brain, its not death, but worse….

Lost...

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