Today I want too!

Ok party ppl, I was going to make this blog private, but honestly I only have 2 reasons to make it private. Reason one: I dont want people to see my weakness, but that would mean Im just bottling up my emotions again, and hiding who I am. Reason two: The party involved could possible read this and know a few things that maybe she doesnt currently know. But, again that would be me bottling thing up, and not being true to myself. So screws making it private, if you dont want to know my private thoughts then dont read on any farther.



You have been warned!



To begin this story, well really the beginning isnt as important as the middle. If you want a nice background musik to this letter, listen to Keith Urbans Tonight I want cry.



For the last month, one of my good friends was staying with me. She called me at one point her best friend. It was great, fun, and it took all the loneliness I had in my soul taken away. It was also kinda weird, I mean I love my own place, my own time, but it was so wonderful having someone to share it with. We had a great relationship; it wasnt love, or lust, but more the just friends hanging out. As some ppl joked it was like a marriage. At time I would agree. Just thinking about that kinda makes me smile, not because I have nor had any desire to marry this person, but just cause it was nice to know that when I awoke, there was someone here to share the morning with. Even when she was just sitting on the couch watching TV, and I was running around doing a million of different things, It was nice to just take a break, sit next to her, and have a quick little chit chat about her soap, or the weather, or what she was going to wear to work. Nothing big or life changing, just little things.



I, up until this point, I never thought that I could sleep well with someone else in my bed. See when I sleep in beds with girlfriends, exlovers or people like that it was hard for me to sleep. I just guess me and her with bed sleeping compatible. Dont get the wrong idea here, Im not talking about sex, making love or fucking. Just sleeping in the same bed as another person. I do miss that now.



So, back to my story. Im really now sure what happened. If I was a betting man, I would say something I did. Why do I say that, well its because just before she left I starting getting a little down, and when I get down I get boring. Boring Justyn is bad. At least I think so. Its not like I wine and dine anyone. I just like to be the fun crazy person that everyone loves, and thinks about. Sometimes that is hard to keep up with. I was also extremely stressed. Maybe it had something to do with that. I did vent to her about things I probably should have keep to myself. But, again I do tell my friends to much from time to time, so normally I just keep it all in, and let the stress overwhelm me, until I crash and then I can start filling the bottle again, no harm no foul. So, anyways she left. And when I mean left, I mean almost completely turned off our communication. Since, I met her we talked at least 1 a week, and in the last few months probably every day. But in the last week, just here and there when she needs me to help her out with things. Yeah, I guess its a two way street and I could have called or wrote. But, she is with her new boyfriends, the beginning of any relationship can be rocky, no need for me to possible mess anything up by saying the wrong thing, or calling at the wrong time.



Yeah, yeah you are going to tell me to get over all this crap. How can u be so stuck on a girl you werent in love with. My answer to that is, that is just who Im. Friends me a lot of me. I will drop whatever Im doing for a friend, a good friend is rare. But, I dont know why this situation surprises me at all. Its very atypical of the friends I meet. 99% of my friends at one point did something to give me grief, some more then others. I will forgive and forget. I wonder if any of them feel the same way about me, I wonder if I have heart broken my friends, given them grief. Who know!



I guess all and all this really all boils down too Loneliness. I mean I should feel kinda lucky, I have made a 3 or 4 friends in the past year I have lived down here. 1 has now moved away, 1 is off with her new boyfriend, one is young and finding herself and one is lost in the family crisis she helped create. But they are all still friends. But, I also believe I have grown closer to 2 of my older friends. One Ive seen and talked to more in the past 2 months then in the last few years, and other is rediscovering my good advice. So see I dont want anyone to think that Im down and out. Being lonely isnt about being down and out, and not wanting to remember the good, it just about a feeling. An emotion. Something likes that.



If my friend who most of this blog is about reads this. Im not mad at you, I dont hate you. When you need that best friend for advice, and to just bitch to im here. You are always welcome to return, and at least at the moment, everything we talked about during our late night chats is still true. Just know I miss hang out everyday, I miss you, but no worries have fun. Fun doesnt last forever. Neither does your youth.



To all my friends, future friends, past friends, or complete strangers reading this, just know there are a few nice caring ppl left in this world. You have just read the words of one of them. If you need me all you have to do is ask. I will do my best to help out in anyway I can for you. Why? Cause that is just who Im. part of my nature; ask around youll hear the stories. Im not perfect, but I have never claimed to be either. Im willing to say Im sorry when its my fault. I will be seeing you around. Thanks for taking the time.



Cheers

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